Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Guilt, Can You Move On?

For me, I have already had a hard time getting through the first step on my journey of self-discovery. I find it extremely hard to overcome doing things for other people, and not doing them for myself. Ever since I was a child, I wanted to make others happy, whether it be for my mom or for my teachers. I wanted them to be proud of me. I was so worried about other peers' opinions of me. What were they saying behind my back? Were they telling me the truth to my face? I took criticism as though it were the last judgment day. Perfection to me was not to find my essence. I needed to get rid of all this guilt that I had. I felt guilty for not being the best. When my mom told me to just be good enough, that I don't have to be the best. I took that as though she already saw me as a failure. In my mind, my mom already saw me as an underachiever.

Sylvia Browne mentions in her book, Lessons for Life, the first step to developing your essence, or finding your self, is to realize that good people often have a bad opinion of themselves. Good people seem to be more subject to worry and guilt because they monitor themselves to keep on the right path. They have a built- in alarm system, Sylvia Browne calls guilt. This guilt, or conscience, keeps us from harming other living things and people. When my mom was pregnant with me, she had placenta previa, meaning that the placenta was on the bottom. The placenta is the afterbirth, so it should be on top to come out after the baby is born, hence the name "afterbirth." There were no ultrasounds back then, so no one knew that the placenta was misplaced. When I was ready to come into the world, the placenta ruptured--I'll not go into graphics, but it had to go somewhere, and it went all over the bedsheets in pieces. This is called placenta abruptio. My mom had no labor, I came out as soon as my mom reached the hospital. They told her, do not cough, sneeze or even breathe, because you are already crowning.

I made quite an entrance. With the way I came into the world, would you believe, I actually feel guilty about it? How can you feel guilty about how you are born? Can you get past this? How? Obviously, if you can trace your guilt back to the day you were born, you are in trouble. But can it be fixed? Can you move on? Yes, you can. You have to get past it to find your self, your essence.....

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