Sunday, May 9, 2010

Waiting for Our Baby...Let Go And Let God!

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
                                                  - Russell Kelfer


Yes, I am a believer that there is a plan made before we are born. As a matter of fact, I believe that each one of us makes our very own plan, blueprints of our life on earth if you will. God may help us to write our chart if we ask Him to, but since I believe that we have the choice to keep coming back if we feel the need to gain more knowledge that we may need on the Other Side, after a few times we probably get the hang of it.  I know that in my plan, I wrote that obviously I would be sick. This would be one of my crosses to bear, and of course it would be a very, very heavy cross made of the heaviest, rarest types of metals found on the planet, making my chronic illness even worse and causing me to tire easier and become more fatigued than I could have possibly even imagined when I wrote it in my chart. Also, I wrote in my chart that I would continue to be tested about my ability to step aside and allow God to be in control of the way my life is supposed to go. Although, I believe our charts are written, we have to make decisions of which way to go on each path. We may end up taking a much longer than needed route because we may have taken a wrong turn along the way. It's not always easy to know which way to turn, which direction to go, but if we look for God's signs that may be written, spoken, sung and even hidden we'll get to where we are supposed to end up.

I've mentioned this before in my blog that I believe we choose really hard lives when we are nearing the end of our lives on earth. So, for me, I'm sure I don't think I'll be coming back many more times after this one. I think I chose to take on so much because I knew I wasn't gonna come back many more times. I knew I had to squeeze as much as possible in this life. I think the biggest thing I needed to learn on earth that I must have been unable to learn in previous lives, so I just keep coming back to take it on, is this control thing. Let's face it, after the many times of coming back--which must have been a lot for me--I still can't quite give up the need to be in control of everything. And just to give you a little more info, I also believe that the first few times that we come to earth, we choose easy lives to start the learning easier. Then we can begin to make the times we come back harder each time. When they begin to get really hard, you know that you are just about done, that you just want to stop and go Home.  

So for me the knowledge of learning how to let go of the control has been the most difficult. It has interfered in every aspect of my life from family to work to my health.  I have always felt like I had to control absolutely everything in my life that I ended up with high blood pressure, trouble sleeping, obsessive compulsive behaviors, constantly worrying about things that are irrational, getting several forms of arthritis and other joint and connective tissue diseases, getting many eye diseases, being diagnosed with stomach problems, and constantly fatiguing and wearing down. 

On this day, mother's day, I'm doing a lot of thinking about the control thing because it has been a hard thing for me to do. It has been so hard to hand over all my power, to say "here is all of my information" to the facilitator and have them do their job, and then "let go and let God."  I have to face it, there is really nothing else I can do but pray.  God will let me know if I need to do anything else in this adoption journey.  The problem for me is that as we wait, time becomes an issue--the more waiting, the more time there is, so the more I start thinking. When I start thinking, I start looking for ways to get involved, or take control of the adoption. Maybe that is why it has taken us 6 years to adopt,  and 7+ years so far to have a child in general. Maybe I need to master this lesson before we adopt our child.  

This means that I need to do the following while we wait for our child:
1) Not worry so much during my recovery that when Jim and others do the dishes for me they may use the "green is clean" sponge on contaminated dishes instead of the "brown is dirty" sponge.

2) Not stress out if people see our house unclean. I can't clean it right now, so I have to chill.

3) Not freak out if Jim puts dishes away in the wrong spot, and if he does, keep myself from reorganizing them the way I like them.

4) Try to relax when all the items in the cabinets, fridge and shower/tub don't have the labels facing out.

5) Keep telling myself that it's OK when the adoption coordinator says they are doing everything to find a match and that we (or rather I) don't have to do anything but tell people that we are adopting.

6) Try to put more trust in God that he knows what's best and he's in control.

7) Try to trust more in myself that letting go of responsibilities doesn't make me weak.

8) Try to trust in others. When they are offering to help, I should let them.

9) I should try to be more assertive. People are so used to me doing everything, that they aren't used to me standing up and saying, "NO! Could you help me out please?" 

 

2 comments:

wendyburnett said...

Oh heavens girl, you sound like me. . . The whole control thing is MAJOR for me, and letting other people do things for me is hard as anything cuz they never do it "right." LOL

I'm gettin LOTS better though. I'm learning how to let go of having everything exactly the way it's "supposed" to be and living with having it "good enough." I haven't had much of a choice, actually - I'm not physically able to do it any more.

Good luck with the adoption, hopefully it will happen soon so you don't have to fight yourself to leave well enough alone for very long.

Dana Marton said...

Well, that's the hardest part of all for me. I can't do it anymore because of my physical disability as well. I am having such a hard time with that still as well. I feel like that on a somewhat good day, I'm superman. It's incredible how even the most disabled person can muster up strength to put things in order b/c they're mind wants it that way. My joints are literally crumbling beneath me, and I still want order. Perhaps that's why. My body can't find order w/in itself, so I seek order beyond it and outside of it. Even tho, it that is probably what caused the collapse in the first place. It is a never ending cycle!

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